5. AQ

   Colin was not alone: every man dreaded learning what his Adam Quotient was.

   Named after the Nobel-prize winning Dr. Johannes Adam, the AQ, as it was commonly called, was a brutally accurate estimate of how many ejaculations a man had left before anejaculation, or the inability to emit semen, set in. As anejaculation was predominately anorgasmic, that is lacking the ability to climax, it robbed males not only of their reproductive capacity, but their enjoyment of coitus, as well.

   And though some men retained for a time the ability to have an erection after anejaculation set in, they often found “having a stiffy” more of an insult than encouraging. And, without sexual release to look forward to, men found that even these residual boners soon waned.

   Like Colin, the typical man might spot the alarming signs of mascupause—decreased ejaculate, less satisfying climaxes, and less turgidity in their erections—at about the age of forty, a more sexually active man or an ardent masturbator might spot the signs as early as thirty.

   Dr. Johannes Adam, a German cellular biologist with the Max Planck Society of Germany, coined the term “mascupause” to differentiate the syndrome from andropause, which had been the gradual reduction of male hormones seen in aging males in generations past. Mascupause, on the other hand, was the complete and permanent shut-down of the male reproductive system, like menopause in women, yet vastly different in that the sex organ no longer had any function except for being what Dr. Adam called “eine nutzlose Pissröhre”, that is, a useless piss tube.

   The first to recognize that something was gravely amiss in the virility of modern man, Dr. Adam would go on to pioneer the method for determining how many ejaculations a man had left before his penis was fated to become eine nutzlose Pissröhre. He would by and by win the Nobel Prize in Physiology, selected unanimously by men who had yet to come to grips with their impotency.

   How accurate was the Adam Quotient? It had a margin of error of plus or minus four ejaculations. A man with, for example, an AQ of 10 could expect to enjoy between six and fourteen more orgasms before mascupause set in.