The Adam Quotient 

Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great . . .

Monday
Mar052012

7. Elijah Bliksem

   The Reverend Elijah Bliksem believed to the very core of his God-given being that he had been sent to the earth to deliver the Lord’s message. And the time to deliver that message was nigh.

   The young, charismatic and devilishly handsome pastor of the First Lazarus Episcopal Church located in heart of the nation’s capital personally presided over an all male congregation of some ten thousand “brothers” but headed a much larger confederation of churches located in each of the Federal Reserve’s twelve districts. There was the Second Lazarus Episcopal Church in New York, the Third Lazarus Episcopal Church in Philadelphia, and so on. With his weekly sermons broadcast over every medium imaginable, including Applesoft’s popular iHead™, the Reverend Bliksem reached up to fifty million Keepers of Promises™.

   The infrastructure in place, the message honed, Bliksem was getting ready to address his flock from the steps of the Capitol Building. The setting was crucial: he wanted this to be seen as a modern day Sermon on the Mount, a declaration of faith and independence, religious in content, yes, but with important political overtones, too. The Reverend would be speaking for three days straight, from the morning of Good Friday to sundown on Easter Monday, giving an eighty-two hour long homily that even Bliksem himself admitted could be summarized in four simple words: every sperm is sacred.

Tuesday
Feb212012

6. Don

   “Will next Monday work for you,” Don asked Colin.

   “S-so soon?”

   “I would think a man of your age would want to know as quickly as possible.”

   Insufferable little prick, Colin thought. What does he know?

   Don was more than Dr. Randi Manners' receptionist; he was the doctor’s latest boy toy. Only twenty years of age, the blond-haired, blue-eyed Don was slim, athletic, and perfectly tanned. He wore a skin-tight body suit of crisp white cotton that exposed his muscular bronze legs and arms and conformed intimately to his enormous testicles.

   Colin couldn’t stand Don, but derived some comfort in knowing that Don’s tenure at the clinic was dependent solely on the lusty caprice of his employer, Dr. Manners. When the doctor had tired of having her way with the receptionist, she would let him go, his AQ depleted considerably, and hire someone younger and more virile. Colin had seen it happen more times than he could remember.

   “I can have it pushed back a week, if you like,” Don offered.

   “No, no. Monday will be fine,” Colin surrendered.

   “Don, would you clear my afternoon of all appointments,” Dr. Manners called out from her office.

   “Yes, doctor.”

   “And double up on your Niagara!”

   Don’s face turned beet red. Niagarra® was a drug, marketed by the Johnson & GlaxoSmithKlinePfizer brobdingnago, which, unlike its forerunner Viagara, not only improved both libido and the durations of erections, but also caused those who took it to ejaculate copiously.1

   “If possible,” Colin said to the receptionist, “make it Monday morning. Better to get it done with before I change my mind.”

   “Y-y-yes,” Don answered, his blue eyes averted. “Monday morning.”

   As Colin was leaving the clinic, he could hear the doctor say to Don, “Get your cute little ass in here! Who’s yo’ Mama?”

 

________________________

1 Discuss your general health status with your doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to engage in sexual activity. If you experience chest pain, nausea, or any other discomforts during sex, seek immediate medical help. In the rare event of ejaculation lasting more than ten minutes, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury. In rare instances, men taking NIAGARRA® reported a sudden decrease or loss of vision. If you experience sudden decrease or loss of vision, stop NIAGARRA®, and call a doctor right away. NIAGARRA® does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. The most common side effects of NIAGARRA® are headache, facial flushing, and upset stomach. Less commonly, bluish balls, blurred vision, or sensitivity to light may briefly occur.

Friday
Feb172012

5. AQ

   Colin was not alone: every man dreaded learning what his Adam Quotient was.

   Named after the Nobel-prize winning Dr. Johannes Adam, the AQ, as it was commonly called, was a brutally accurate estimate of how many ejaculations a man had left before anejaculation, or the inability to emit semen, set in. As anejaculation was predominately anorgasmic, that is lacking the ability to climax, it robbed males not only of their reproductive capacity, but their enjoyment of coitus, as well.

   And though some men retained for a time the ability to have an erection after anejaculation set in, they often found “having a stiffy” more of an insult than encouraging. And, without sexual release to look forward to, men found that even these residual boners soon waned.

   Like Colin, the typical man might spot the alarming signs of mascupause—decreased ejaculate, less satisfying climaxes, and less turgidity in their erections—at about the age of forty, a more sexually active man or an ardent masturbator might spot the signs as early as thirty.

   Dr. Johannes Adam, a German cellular biologist with the Max Planck Society of Germany, coined the term “mascupause” to differentiate the syndrome from andropause, which had been the gradual reduction of male hormones seen in aging males in generations past. Mascupause, on the other hand, was the complete and permanent shut-down of the male reproductive system, like menopause in women, yet vastly different in that the sex organ no longer had any function except for being what Dr. Adam called “eine nutzlose Pissröhre”, that is, a useless piss tube.

   The first to recognize that something was gravely amiss in the virility of modern man, Dr. Adam would go on to pioneer the method for determining how many ejaculations a man had left before his penis was fated to become eine nutzlose Pissröhre. He would by and by win the Nobel Prize in Physiology, selected unanimously by men who had yet to come to grips with their impotency.

   How accurate was the Adam Quotient? It had a margin of error of plus or minus four ejaculations. A man with, for example, an AQ of 10 could expect to enjoy between six and fourteen more orgasms before mascupause set in.

Thursday
Sep292011

4. S Colin Ampersand

   S. Colin Ampersand lay face down on the examination table, his feet in cold stirrups, as his physician examined his prostate with her finger. It was a humiliation the doctor made him endure every single visit. Colin wanted to ask if such invasive exams were truly necessary, but not today: he was having grave concerns about his plumbing.

   At forty-one years of age, Colin, wasn’t the finest specimen of manhood: whey-faced, balding, short and fat, his dismal figure resembled an old gym sock stuffed with chestnuts.

   “Nothing out of the ordinary down there,” Doctor Randi Manners said, removing her rubber gloves. She then goosed Colin’s sizable buttocks.

   “Ouch!”

   “You can put your clothes back on.”

   Grumbling under his breath, Colin slid off the examination table, and bent over to pick his boxer shorts off of the floor.

   “You’ve really let yourself go,” Manners said, jabbing at a generous fold of skin around Colin’s waist.

   “Tell me about it,” Colin said and pulled his boxers up to around his waist.

   He had tried every imaginable diet out there, but to no effect. Everything he ate ended up going straight his belly and arse.

   The problem with Colin was that, unlike so many of his contemporaries, he had not been a designer, genetically enhanced, and scrupulously scheduled test-tube baby. He was, to the eternal embarrassment of his parents, the product of a frisky roll in the hay after too much wine one evening. His older sister, Guillemet, on the other hand, was everything his parents could have desired: a lithe beauty who was a good fifteen centimeters taller and ten points smarter than her younger brother. And whereas Guillemet was a successful marketing consultant today, munificently paid to bullshit as it were, Colin earned a modest salary pining away in a windowless basement office of the municipal government.

   “Have you had your AQ checked?” the doctor asked.

   “No,” Colin replied, swallowing hard.

   “Well, Colin, you’re no spring cock anymore, and a guy your age really should have these things checked regularly.”

   “I know,” he said. “I know.”

   Colin had been putting off the inevitable for years, hoping against hope that all the medical data and research had been wrong. But that was like hoping the tide wouldn’t recede. It always did. It always did.

   “Oh, Colin, you really shouldn’t let it get you down,” Manners said, softening her tone, and added: “Mascupause isn’t the end of the world, you know. Most men go on to live full and productive lives long after they’ve stopped being reproductive.”

   Colin might have felt heartened by his doctor’s advice, if she had not merely been repeating a line from a commercial for Herculis, a popular line vitamin and mineral supplements marketed at men for whom virility has become a memory.

   “I’ll have Don schedule you for the AQ, okay?”

   Colin sighed heavily, then gave a defeated nod.

   “Atta boy!” she said, and lit up a stogie.

 

 

© Aonghas Crowe, 2011-12. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication of any kind.

注意:この作品はフィクションです。登場人物、団体等、実在のモノとは一切関係ありません。

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Aonghas Crowe's works are available at Amazon.

Monday
Sep192011

3. In the Nuts

   Every man believed in his heart of hearts that the human race had strayed too far from its roots, having gone from hunters and gathers to living lives of sedentary consumers of processed foods with ingredients nobody could understand, let alone pronounce, in less than ten thousand years. What else but the crap men had been stuffing themselves with—day in, day out—for decades on end could account for the alarming changes they were witnessing in their virility?

   This suspicion had initially driven a trend in back-to-basics living, where men attempted to “kill their own meat”, which had disastrous consequences: record numbers of men succumbing to the elements or starving to death in the nation’s forests.

   Others opted more sensibly for healthy eating, a move towards simpler, organic foods. People rediscovered their designer kitchens with the poured concrete countertops and cabinets made of reclaimed wood which had until then seldom, if ever, been used for actual cooking. Farmer’s markets featuring organic vegetables and fruits became the norm. Even supermarket chains got into the act, and those which first catered to the new demand flourished. As people prepared more of their own meals, chain restaurants suffered, many going belly up before they could conform to the changing needs of their customers. McDonald’s, once maligned as the epitome of so many lifestyle failings, completely transformed itself and was now the largest seller of vegan burgers. It’s free-range chicken McNuggets served with homemade teriyaki sauce made from non-GM soybeans was also a hit.

   Unfortunately, diet wasn’t the whole story.

   To be sure, the overuse of genetically modified foods, growth hormone, antibiotics, herbicides and pesticides around the turn of the century deserved blame, but the troubling phenomenon was even being observed in cultures where those modern scourges were less pervasive.

   Others pointed at the ubiquity of petrochemicals in the modern world. Plastic had conquered the globe by the end of the twentieth century. There wasn’t anywhere you could go, from the highest mountains in the Himalayas to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and not find bits of plastic waste. Ingested by animals, they were, by and by, consumed by humans. Despite intense lobbying by the North Atlantic Alliance of Petrochemical Corporations (NAACP), the production of plastics for short-term and/or one-off use—such as in shopping bags, toothbrushes, shipping material, and so on—was banned in the 74 member states of the OECD. Though a major coup for environmentalists, the tide of masculinity continued to recede at a distressing rate.

   If environmental concerns did not fully account for what was happening, then perhaps the answer lay in over-population. Indeed, the worst affected countries appeared to be those with the greatest population densities, countries like India and Japan. It was as if Mother Nature was saying in not so unsubtle ways: “ENOUGH!”

   The first to sound the alarm was a Japanese columnist by the name of Maki Fukasawa who in the mid Naughties coined the term sôshoku danshi, (草食男子, herbivore boys), to describe Japanese men in their twenties and thirties, who were passive about women, far more interested in cultivating friendly relationships with the opposite sex rather than trying to conquer them in the bed. These herbivore boys opted for quiet, uncompetitive lifestyles, pursuing hobbies instead of careers. They were, as one reporter wrote, “Metrosexuals without the testosterone.”

   What was first observed in Japan quickly spread throughout Asia, and beyond to Europe and the Americas. Where population density was highest it seemed as if men’s libido, which had driven population and economic growth since time immemorial, had taken a kick square in the balls.

 

© Aonghas Crowe, 2011-12. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication of any kind.

注意:この作品はフィクションです。登場人物、団体等、実在のモノとは一切関係ありません。

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Aonghas Crowe's works are available at Amazon.